I’m in a War

The morning sky is a beautiful clear blue shade. The bright sun is rising, warming our half of Earth’s hemisphere quite nicely.                                                                                                                        finally! It has been cold and rainy for some time….this was a nice change. 

Every day is a good day regardless of what it entails and how we approach it. When, or if, you wake up in the morning…or whenever your day starts….that is one of many gifts from God ….for tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

   Hubbs and I woke the kiddos up early this morning and surprised them with a rare, hearty family breakfast at IHOP to celebrate a small but rewarding accomplishment for our family.  While everyone is smiling and laughing, having a good time….I’m silently dying inside.                                                                                                                                        fast-forward a few hours later 

    I’m driving to work trying to be thankful and joyous of not just what we have achieved but the rare opportunity that was given to spend time with my family and to experience the excitement of what hopefully, will soon come next to pave a better future for our children.  

This is supposed to be a good day. However, …it IS a good day, matter-of-fact it’s a GREAT day…this morning we made the last payment on our Jeep…this will allow us to move to the next phase of establishing our financial future…not for ourselves but for our children.

So…. WHY AM I CRYING AND ACTING AS IF I HAD JUST LOST EVERYTHING?!….your guess is as good as mine.                                                                                                                                                   ….P.S.  “scientifically”, I do know but that’s a story for another time. 

This is just another, what I call, hormonal episode……this is what this evil disease does to me. It strips me of my ability to genuinely feel happiness and express joy along with my loved ones….no matter how hard I try to ignore it and force a happy persona….the thick darkness still envelopes me to the point where joy cannot exist. 

“Just let it go”….no…this is not a reference to ‘Frozen’….. is my chant as I breathe full deep breaths to keep from going into a full-blown panic attack….but I can’t take the pain in my chest anymore. 

‘Need You Now’ performed by Plumb starts streaming through the speakers…my windows are rolled down allowing the warm air to wisp around me and then without any care and using whatever effort I possess I cry out loud to the top of my lungs….

Oh God, take this away from me! Free me from this darkness that has enslaved me Father! YOU have to extinguish this evil out of my life because I CANNOT! Jesus, my Lord, please release this grip on me! Take this pain from my chest and give me comfort, give me rest Lord Jesus!”  

From this moment….as I continue driving to my destination….I just focus on His name, saying it over and again in my head as well as under my breath and out loud here and there when felt the need….JESUS….nothing else…                                                                                                                       and breathing, can’t forget that! Very important.

A few minutes later the car is parked…and as I mentally try to prepare my shell of a human to face the public with a “cheery disposition’…I proceed to turn the engine off when God came through my car stereo to remind my spirit….                                                                                                …up until this point I didn’t notice the radio was still playing.          

Zach Williams’ ‘Fear Is A Liar’ starts playing…

“Fear…he is a liar. He will take your breath…stop you in your steps.

Fear…he is a liar. He will rob your rest, steal your happiness.

Cast your fear in the fire….’cause Fear…he is a liar.”

This was not the first time hearing about how fear, even if we can’t pinpoint its’ origin, is nothing but a lie…..the feelings of anxiety, sadness, despair…all out panic…. are all lies.                                                                                                                                                                              ….my spirit knows this, but my flesh refuses to listen….EVER.

I’M IN A WAR…a constant battle within myself…day after day…between truth and lies.

With each battle I face….my mind becomes tied up deciphering the truth from the lies and my heart is the brave soldier that takes on enemy fire. And as my mind and heart battle it out for freedom and peace, my body and spirit suffer as the battlegrounds…                                                                                                                                                                                          ….which have been beaten almost beyond recognition.           

As exasperating as it gets at times, I have to keep focus on my King and remember that as a daughter of Christ I must affix my crown on my head, put on the armor of Christ and fight through these battles with Jesus leading the way….and to allow Him, through reading His Word, prayer and spiritual encouragement from my brothers and sisters, to comfort and heal my spirit.

By far I am not a model Christian, but as a Christian believer, I must remember to hold on to the hope that Jesus will return to destroy my enemies….the lies….and make all things….mind, body and spirit…. righteous and pure.                                                                                   ….I yearn for that day, every second.                                  

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What Am I Doing?!

It’s 5 am.

The husband and kids are deep in their rem and will remain so for the next 90 minutes.

So, what am I doing?

Brewing coffee, making breakfast, fixing lunches…….

Nope….I wish!

My conscious wakens to my heart pounding so hard I feel it is going to beat right out of my chest. What feels like a vice grips my chest so that it seems hard to breathe. Impromptu thoughts start circling around in my head causing even more chaos.

I have to shut this down….now!

This is how my days start out….EVERY MORNING!

But, it didnt used to be like this. I have dealt with anxiety and panic disorder since teenage years. I’ve always persevered through it and not let it control me.

However, something has changed in the last few years to where I no longer have the same control over how this feeling of doom affects me.

I still refuse to allow it to beat me….but it is a part of my daily life and I have hidden it from EVERYONE until now.

So, what am I doing now?

Pretend its not happening and start moving….which for my personal experience is much easier said than done, but I dont have a choice. My family depends on me and I cannot..I WILL NOT…let this stop me.

Among other healing remedies I have tried and currently still use, I hope expressing my personal experiences through this blog not only help myself cope with this evil but help someone else out in their struggles as well.

Thanks for reading!